Divorce — A Child’s View, Right and Wrong
My name is Zander, I’m sixteen years old. My parents had their divorce finalized on September 27, 2006. This is how my parent’s divorce happened in my eyes.
While I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “good divorce,” I feel like my parent’s was as good as it can get. They had been arguing for years, and it was just getting worse and worse. I went to my Grandma and Grandpa’s house in California for a week, during that week my Mom told my Dad she wanted a divorce, and they talked about how they were going to tell me and how to handle it with me. They both agreed to not tell me who the petitioner was, and they both agreed to make sure they didn’t talk about, or argue about, or whisper about, or comment at all about what was going on in the divorce around me, and they both agreed to make sure I knew it was not my fault in the least bit. All of those things they agreed to maKe the divorce as painless as it could be for me.
Not telling me who the petitioner was to make sure I didn’t start to resent the petitioner. By making sure I didn’t resent the petitioner, it preserved the relationship I have with the petitioner. So by preserving the relationship I have with the petitioner, I didn’t lose a parent during the divorce, which was my #1 fear about them getting a divorce.
Years after I had found that the divorce caused peace in my life, I learned my Mom was the petitioner. My Mom and I are extremely close, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have her in my life. I am so glad my parents didn’t tell me until years after I came to peace with the divorce. I’m glad they avoided me ruining the wonderful relationship I have with my Mom now; it would have destroyed me for the rest of my life to lose my Mom because of something like that. The fact they didn’t talk about, or argue about, or whisper about, or comment at all about what was going on in the divorce around me helped prevent more than one thing.
One thing it prevented was extra anxiety for me during the divorce. Of course, sometimes there would be tension, but they didn’t say anything, because they knew it would have hurt me in some way, shape or form, and neither of them wanted their child hurt. Another thing it prevented was me taking sides. I didn’t know what was going wrong or right in the divorce so I couldn’t get angry at one parent for saying or doing something in the divorce. This also helped preserve my relationship with both my parents. Preserving the relationship with both my parents made the divorce a lot less painful for me.
The agreement to make sure I knew it was not my fault was just so I wouldn’t blame myself. So I wasn’t thinking “What did I do wrong that caused this?” This helps to not cause self-doubt, or self-hate, and I’m sure most parents don’t want their kid to doubt and hate themselves. I’m glad my parents had the insight to insulate me from their two sides of the divorce and that they just did not let me hear about it. All I knew was that they were working together to get an agreement that would be good for me, and that was really all I needed to know. I will always be grateful to my parents for divorcing the “right” way, without hurting me or my relationship with either of my parents.
Zander is my son — he’s talking about my divorce. What you, your spouse and your lawyers do during your divorce will impact your children for years to come. If your relationship with your child is important to you, please call me to talk about how we can work to preserve your relationships with your children through the stressful process of divorce and in the years following your divorce. Call me at (281) 503-7373.